The Latest

Jul 31, 2014 / 1 note

Thank you god for the final work idea! I pray you help me stay on track with it and commit fully to it, no more changing my mind and being indecisive.
It also sounds dangerous so please keep me safe and injury free, not even one paper cut! I pray that the tools will function properly and that the materials will be a joy to work with and everything will go smoothly. I pray that nothing will break, nothing will tear, and every delicate fragile thing will remain in tact. I pray that I will be careful and alert, and I will be calm no matter what happens. I pray that you will keep me safe, keep us all safe, keep the art room safe and sanctified, keep the c-block safe and sanctified. I pray against any possible fires, or floods, or cats or burglars and forbid any people with ill intents or any unnecessary catastrophic accidents - please keep all our courseworks safe and in tact.
I pray for all my art classmates that we will stay on track and push ourselves for the next 50 days. I pray that we will have the energy, the skills, the ideas, the intelligence, the foresight, the patience and most of all sufficient time to complete our final works before the submission. Especially for pwee and I, let us finish our coursework at least a few days before the submission date. I pray that you sanctify the time we spend together in the art room, that we may be the necessary pillars of support and guidance for each other. I thank you and pray for Ms Ang and Mr Tang. I pray you bless them and their families with good health and good rest, for all the time they’ve invested in us.
I pray we will all remain calm and anxiety free. I pray that we will enjoy this experience.
No matter what lord thank you for this experience and thank you for opening eyes to so many things. I pray you help me finish this well. Beyond my expectations of myself and beyond my desire to please my teacher, I want to see you in this.
I hope my final work honours you.

Jul 25, 2014

Why I left church, well kind of

I stopped attending the youth service last July
I was frustrated with how the youth service was conducted. It’s all very evocative and emotional, very energetic, a lot of screaming, cheering, going out with friends and being a bunch of (albeit noisy) teenagers really, who worshipped and praised God instead of partying.
I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that but it wasn’t for me. While I wish I could be outgoing, more open and more sociable, something about that behavior didn’t sit right with me after a while.
It did not help that the prayer group was being diluted. New members to the church were always placed in my prayer group and so there was the constant need to adjust to it and welcome them. At that point I was going through a shitload of things in my personal life and it became harder and harder to share my problems with the group considering a quarter of them were as unfamiliar as the other people I constantly see in school but never really know. It became difficult for me to go to church and to hear others’ problems without feeling more burdened, more annoyed and more shitty when I really just wanted to be replenished. Call me selfish for being hostile and resistant to change but that was me and my situation, which I could not vocalize and express to others freely. I did what I always do - I ran away.
Some say that it’s a cowardly thing to do. I say, I know myself well enough to know when I need to pull myself out of the situation. If I stayed I would have become more emotional and angrier, it would have been worse. Running away really gives me the perspective to view everything in it’s totality so I can understand how I can deal with the situation.
In this case, it became more of a habit that I stopped attending the youth service. It was comfortable yet uncomfortable and unnatural. Do I have regrets? Yes. Would I go back? No. Would I have been okay if I didn’t leave to begin with? No.
While leaving church has strained my relationship with God, and while this bothers me and disturbs me, I greatly appreciate the awareness that I have now of the emotional nature of religion. I became more able to distinguished faith from religion. And this is also a step to a better relationship with God.
So even now, I’m still very apprehensive and doubtful of large church events especially involving youths who are just all rah-rah-rah because surely there are other ways to gather people to worship God and isn’t a sufficient or representative picture of what faith is and what a relationship with God is.
I’m still wavering and my foundation isn’t stable. But it’s better that I’m rebuilding this with the awareness of my need for better ground.

On this note, a few other things I’ve learnt
1. The church needs to do some serious “groundwork” while we think we do, we actually don’t understand the people we try to welcome. We scare them off instead.
2. The church needs to better express herself and her views, and reach members to better express themselves. Religion is so heavily contended these days, we need to learn to communicate so as to be sensitive to others and to not misrepresent the God we say we love

Jul 25, 2014

Culture wars

It makes me angry.
Yes I am a Christian. I do not condone the LGBT lifestyle and I will not engage in it. Yes I am afraid of the laws that allow homosexual marriages, not because I wish to suppress the individual in this group, but because there is a fine line between the right and freedom to “love freely”/engage in LGBT relationships and lifestyles, and the freedom and right to practice religion. The ideal situation is that we can do both at the same time, and co-exist. But around the world, this is not happening. It is a slippery slope. It makes me upset because governments fail to draw this line or identify this line to begin with, and that results in a lot of anger on both sides. If a Christian pastor does not want to marry a homosexual couple, why is his license removed and why is he fined, why is he punished for following his beliefs? Honestly, is it so difficult for another willing pastor to marry the couple instead? Like you don’t force doctors to perform Physician-assisted suicide if they aren’t comfortable right?
This just doesn’t make sense to me.

It makes me sad that both sides of this debate have become so aggressive. Why can’t we listen to each other and have a conversation about it. If I can do that with my friends of opposing my beliefs, why can’t the rest of this country? Why are we divided? Why do we have to be divided? Why can’t we co-exist? I want to co-exist? If it is your choice to engage in the LGBT lifestyle I won’t persuade or worse, force you to do otherwise. And if you’re LGBT I am not treating you as less than a human being or anything worse, I believe in love and respect ultimately.

I hope people in the LGBT community and the fellow supporters know that religious groups do not have anything you as people, but the actions and lifestyle alone. Just as gender doesn’t define you, and just as race doesn’t define you, I see you past your sexuality as well. Above all else, you are a person, with your character, personality, interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes, with experiences and a history that goes beyond your race, gender and sexuality. And that is what I see you as - as an individual. I hope you’ll allow me to do that, even with knowing that I don’t agree with your sexuality. Please see me past my religious background and beliefs too. Because I too am more than that.
So please, can we bridge this divide?

The lack of balance in the media has really destroyed the harmony in our country. My wish is that we see past what we read and speak to others around us, whom we know, whom we understand and respect, to reach a better level of understanding.

It was difficult typing this and posting this but I guess this is me trying to take the first step. This won’t so public but it’s still a big step for me.

Jul 25, 2014

And this story is the simplest one yet
This is you, the line parallel to mine
Sometimes you turn around and sometimes you face me
Like two trains passing each other as they travel side by side in opposite directions, and the passenger in one train gets a glimpse of the people she passes but will never hold any relationship or any haze for more than half that second before the whole carriage vanishes into the distance from which she came from but won’t return to
It’s that tension from the way we run parallel and the perplexity that we don’t ever get close

It is you, this discoloured uncoloured line because I haven’t cracked you yet
Because though I see you length to length from breadth to breadth,
I still don’t know who you are

Jul 24, 2014 / 1 note


Jul 23, 2014

And how did I go from incessant speech and public posts, from being called out for talking in class, from being known as the chatterbox, to falling so silent, not from the lack of words but because I am unable to speak.
And somehow friends seemingly friendly open, media being accepting and diverse, cannot provide any ways I can express this. That the best way is through lonely grunts and quiet tears, escaped sighs never meant to be heard. That I’ve become so suppressed by circumstance and mostly myself.
Beyond isolation is the feeling that there’s no where else to go.
Even if the problem is with myself I don’t know how to fix this. The self awareness I’ve always had turns out to be completely useless in a world where I am pushed aside and displaced except when I am alone.

Jul 22, 2014

I would like the class to do exceedingly well in geog and math so we can sing


Jul 21, 2014 / 570,221 notes
Jul 20, 2014

Haven’t blogged just for the sake of it in a long time so um
- sexism is not okay. If you don’t have any misogynistic intents it’s good to learn to better express the thought in a less offensive and less subjective way
- cw problems. Paper cutting is fun but ansowpbzbxoa what the hell am I doing and why is it wrong I don’t understand
- I need to get into LCC the students they produce are amazing
- tea makes any day better my productivity level has multiplied three times
- willow pape is a drunk bij she’s lucky I called a cab for her
- my table’s a mess no matter how often I clean it up
- the weather has been so damn hot and it doesn’t help that I like black a lot

Jul 18, 2014

Wow what have I done that I’ve become so insignificantly forgotten. Not second best or the next, merely tolerated. I’m sick of this and I’m ready to disappear.
Give me wings that I may fly away
Give me fins that I may swim away
Or take me away

"I was within and without"
I am within and without

And all these dreams and paralysing memories that keep flooding back, I don’t know what to make of them.

I just really want to go for good. I don’t want to have to try to be liked or try to have company around me because they aren’t sticking and I’m beginning to think that only children like me growing up around adults and the television being so socially incapable have absolutely no shot at surviving the social world. I don’t have to try anymore it’s exhausting and I want to stay in slumber for good.

It’s all exhausting and shitty basically and it’s such a lonely struggle and it pains me that I’m able to relate so strongly with Vladimir and Larkin who are all tinted in dull grey without a ray of sunshine.

What the hell is happening