The Latest

Aug 18, 2014

tumblr is the place for my deep profound thoughts

today i photoshopped myself

deciding to use my body for coursework is in my opinion the biggest decision i have made regarding H2 art. Putting on the tightest tee and shorts I have to take a professional selfie of myself, to create a vector outline of myself, that’s not something I would expect myself to do. and taking that photo of myself and having to do numerous more shots was fine. I thought I looked fine in the mirror. of course everything seems much worse on camera, as always. I’m still dissatisfied with my body, yet I can’t be bothered to care anymore.

Basically, I know I’m not that lengthy model with the killer legs, and even in my size now, which I’m quite happy I’ve managed to achieve I’ve still been called fat. This art thing.. when people talking about everything being “for the art”, never expected it to hit so close to home for me. But I has. and I have done it. Hips and all. Flaws and all. and while I listen to beyonce to try to hold my confidence together, I’m still really proud of myself that I’m still doing it anyway

Aug 16, 2014

In light of the art room conversation I was too busy to partake in yesterday


Yes it is difficult to imagine anyone wanting to spend the rest of his life, the last 60% of his time left, with an individual he hasn’t know for longer than a handful of years. There’s that universal understanding that people change. And it is difficult to imagine anyone willing to love all these changes without knowing what they are, how they will affect him, and whether that will remain in line with who he is when the time actually comes. This is why people grow apart.

I have to say, I never agreed with and believed in the concept of a divorce. Because if you love someone, and you make that vow, you’re promising to ensure that this thin line binding the both of you will never snap, because you’ll make time to be together, and you’ll make an effort to communicate, and you’ll make sure that anything that goes wrong will be resolved.

But after seeing years of my parents fighting, being caught in the middle of it, feeling like the lovechild of two people who never really loved, and yet knowing that they wear the same gold wedding bands on their fourth finger and kiss each other goodbye every morning, I don’t know what to think of love anymore.

And it seems impossible to find this faint abstract thing that close up the holes in our souls.

If this is something I still want knowing it’s success rates are so low, am I being hopeful or committing to the illusion?

Aug 16, 2014

Big fat thank you and many ugly emotionally charged grateful tears from the art class to the kind soul who have us the m&ms and that encouraging note!

Aug 12, 2014

Dear god
You have allowed me to pass Chinese
You have put me in IP
These things I never have thought possible
These things that scared me shitless and caused so much anxiety
And you have taken these worries and blessed me and helped me succeed
I don’t know why coursework is so worrying and I know I’m on the right track
Please give me that boost to work faster and to finish it before prelims get too crazy
I’m letting it go now

Aug 10, 2014

cries tears of joy for finishing intertext essay before the weekend ends

cries ugly tears of disappointment because it took more than 2 hours and was excruciating

Aug 6, 2014

The stress is real and the inadequacy is real
WITH GOD (who kept me awake and alert during math)

Aug 4, 2014

Starting my essays with MAYDAY MAYDAY EARTH TO BIRCHES

Jul 31, 2014 / 1 note

Thank you god for the final work idea! I pray you help me stay on track with it and commit fully to it, no more changing my mind and being indecisive.
It also sounds dangerous so please keep me safe and injury free, not even one paper cut! I pray that the tools will function properly and that the materials will be a joy to work with and everything will go smoothly. I pray that nothing will break, nothing will tear, and every delicate fragile thing will remain in tact. I pray that I will be careful and alert, and I will be calm no matter what happens. I pray that you will keep me safe, keep us all safe, keep the art room safe and sanctified, keep the c-block safe and sanctified. I pray against any possible fires, or floods, or cats or burglars and forbid any people with ill intents or any unnecessary catastrophic accidents - please keep all our courseworks safe and in tact.
I pray for all my art classmates that we will stay on track and push ourselves for the next 50 days. I pray that we will have the energy, the skills, the ideas, the intelligence, the foresight, the patience and most of all sufficient time to complete our final works before the submission. Especially for pwee and I, let us finish our coursework at least a few days before the submission date. I pray that you sanctify the time we spend together in the art room, that we may be the necessary pillars of support and guidance for each other. I thank you and pray for Ms Ang and Mr Tang. I pray you bless them and their families with good health and good rest, for all the time they’ve invested in us.
I pray we will all remain calm and anxiety free. I pray that we will enjoy this experience.
No matter what lord thank you for this experience and thank you for opening eyes to so many things. I pray you help me finish this well. Beyond my expectations of myself and beyond my desire to please my teacher, I want to see you in this.
I hope my final work honours you.

Jul 25, 2014

Why I left church, well kind of

I stopped attending the youth service last July
I was frustrated with how the youth service was conducted. It’s all very evocative and emotional, very energetic, a lot of screaming, cheering, going out with friends and being a bunch of (albeit noisy) teenagers really, who worshipped and praised God instead of partying.
I suppose there’s nothing wrong with that but it wasn’t for me. While I wish I could be outgoing, more open and more sociable, something about that behavior didn’t sit right with me after a while.
It did not help that the prayer group was being diluted. New members to the church were always placed in my prayer group and so there was the constant need to adjust to it and welcome them. At that point I was going through a shitload of things in my personal life and it became harder and harder to share my problems with the group considering a quarter of them were as unfamiliar as the other people I constantly see in school but never really know. It became difficult for me to go to church and to hear others’ problems without feeling more burdened, more annoyed and more shitty when I really just wanted to be replenished. Call me selfish for being hostile and resistant to change but that was me and my situation, which I could not vocalize and express to others freely. I did what I always do - I ran away.
Some say that it’s a cowardly thing to do. I say, I know myself well enough to know when I need to pull myself out of the situation. If I stayed I would have become more emotional and angrier, it would have been worse. Running away really gives me the perspective to view everything in it’s totality so I can understand how I can deal with the situation.
In this case, it became more of a habit that I stopped attending the youth service. It was comfortable yet uncomfortable and unnatural. Do I have regrets? Yes. Would I go back? No. Would I have been okay if I didn’t leave to begin with? No.
While leaving church has strained my relationship with God, and while this bothers me and disturbs me, I greatly appreciate the awareness that I have now of the emotional nature of religion. I became more able to distinguished faith from religion. And this is also a step to a better relationship with God.
So even now, I’m still very apprehensive and doubtful of large church events especially involving youths who are just all rah-rah-rah because surely there are other ways to gather people to worship God and isn’t a sufficient or representative picture of what faith is and what a relationship with God is.
I’m still wavering and my foundation isn’t stable. But it’s better that I’m rebuilding this with the awareness of my need for better ground.

On this note, a few other things I’ve learnt
1. The church needs to do some serious “groundwork” while we think we do, we actually don’t understand the people we try to welcome. We scare them off instead.
2. The church needs to better express herself and her views, and reach members to better express themselves. Religion is so heavily contended these days, we need to learn to communicate so as to be sensitive to others and to not misrepresent the God we say we love

Jul 25, 2014

Culture wars

It makes me angry.
Yes I am a Christian. I do not condone the LGBT lifestyle and I will not engage in it. Yes I am afraid of the laws that allow homosexual marriages, not because I wish to suppress the individual in this group, but because there is a fine line between the right and freedom to “love freely”/engage in LGBT relationships and lifestyles, and the freedom and right to practice religion. The ideal situation is that we can do both at the same time, and co-exist. But around the world, this is not happening. It is a slippery slope. It makes me upset because governments fail to draw this line or identify this line to begin with, and that results in a lot of anger on both sides. If a Christian pastor does not want to marry a homosexual couple, why is his license removed and why is he fined, why is he punished for following his beliefs? Honestly, is it so difficult for another willing pastor to marry the couple instead? Like you don’t force doctors to perform Physician-assisted suicide if they aren’t comfortable right?
This just doesn’t make sense to me.

It makes me sad that both sides of this debate have become so aggressive. Why can’t we listen to each other and have a conversation about it. If I can do that with my friends of opposing my beliefs, why can’t the rest of this country? Why are we divided? Why do we have to be divided? Why can’t we co-exist? I want to co-exist? If it is your choice to engage in the LGBT lifestyle I won’t persuade or worse, force you to do otherwise. And if you’re LGBT I am not treating you as less than a human being or anything worse, I believe in love and respect ultimately.

I hope people in the LGBT community and the fellow supporters know that religious groups do not have anything you as people, but the actions and lifestyle alone. Just as gender doesn’t define you, and just as race doesn’t define you, I see you past your sexuality as well. Above all else, you are a person, with your character, personality, interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes, with experiences and a history that goes beyond your race, gender and sexuality. And that is what I see you as - as an individual. I hope you’ll allow me to do that, even with knowing that I don’t agree with your sexuality. Please see me past my religious background and beliefs too. Because I too am more than that.
So please, can we bridge this divide?

The lack of balance in the media has really destroyed the harmony in our country. My wish is that we see past what we read and speak to others around us, whom we know, whom we understand and respect, to reach a better level of understanding.

It was difficult typing this and posting this but I guess this is me trying to take the first step. This won’t so public but it’s still a big step for me.